Am I...the problem?
A thoughtful inquisition about how I approach my personal life with such rigidness, how I am lowering all expectations of people, and what I'm doing moving on.
Note: surprise, surprise. I have a potty mouth, so there’s some vulgarity in here.
The girl group chat is typing furiously, with bubbling text messages being flung into the great abyss. Maybe we should move our conversations to Whatsapp, where it’s encrypted because some of these texts are incriminating.
I cackle out loud and take a sip of my drink while reading the group chat.
The tea is piping hot.
I sit back and empathize with the dating horror stories happening back in Asia unraveling in this conversation. Dating in Asia and the states are two different beasts.
We’ve all had our fair share of shitty encounters, but this one was particularly bad.
Drop his ass!! Man, fuck that guy. How could he do that to you.
Shots are still being fired in the group chat, and I could feel myself getting worked up for my friend even though it wasn’t my experience. There’s a lot of harbored irritation and anger being released, which I understand.
It feels good to be mean in the moment.
But my conscious gets to me—I think about what it means for me and for those who are angry. Anger is poison.
Later in the day, I thought, “Wait, why do we let other people and their actions control our emotions like this? Especially tiny small bois off dating apps? Does that mean they won this battle?”
I think about when I let my emotions get ahold of me, and it’s normally from the disappointment and actions of other people.
When people try to control my schedule. When people talk a big talk and don’t deliver. When people are repeatedly late to an event I planned. When people are not appreciative. When my boundaries are overstepped.
But what happens if I stopped fighting fire with fuel, and I just sit back, letting the situation be and stepping away to focus on other things? Why am I letting this occupy my precious head space? I used to think there was strength in confrontation, but there is strength in walking away. Ol’ confrontational Emily would not hold back her tongue. She would snap down with the fury of a charging hippo.
A few internal thoughts bubbled up: am I being rigid in what I expect other people to do? And am I knowingly communicating this to let the other person know?
When I get mad
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
If you know me well, I can be quick to express when I’m mad.
But I realized that I can’t force action from other people, nor hold such high expectations over other people.
What I can control is my reaction to certain situations, and how I think about moving forward. This is easier said than done, so when I’m mad, I will “airplane mode” my phone and go for a run or Peloton. This helps squelch my anger and irritancy before doing anything else.
Silence and space is sometimes is an answer within itself. Once I’m more level headed, I think about how to articulate my emotions and what I need from that specific person.
When I am the problem
My knee jerk reaction is to be like, “Fine. If you want to be like that, then be that way.”
I am particularly good at stonewalling, but I guess I grew up these past years.
When I am the problem, I place myself in that person’s perspective. Emily rescheduled twice. Emily said something hurtful and not taking accountability. Emily failed to show up when I most needed her.
This helps me reframe my perspective and soften my approach. I hate apologizing (lol), but I also realized it is what people want to hear. A heartfelt apology and a proposed solution is what I would want as well.
Resources
How to Let Go of the Need for Control
How to Not Let Others Control Your Emotions
On an unrelated note, for those interested in moving to Asia, I promise to do a better job sharing my resources
I am consolidating Option Asia into Landed in Asia, an online community for both men and women who are interested in moving to Asia, specifically westernized Asians who are curious about straddling both the east and west mentalities.
I finally launched a new LIA podcast episode with my dear friend Annie, whom I spent a couple months with in Taipei, Taiwan this earlier year. We talk about how we both moved and remote worked together, how she finances her Asia trip, and what the future of being a digital nomad holds for both of us.
Over and out,
Em